I going to be that Blackbird and fly fly fly!!!

I fell in love with this song after (yes I will admit it) watching Glee. I had a look online to see what peoples interpretations of this song meant to them. I found this one and I thought it was quite relevant to me right now.

But you have to face it. You have to learn to fly and all your life you were waiting for that moment when you can actually be yourself already, when you know your dreams can come true and there's no more feeling of hopelessness. 

 It's like the song's saying the time is now for you to get over it and that you can do it.

I'm taking it as I need to get over myself!!!!

I am finally trying to gain control over something in my life. My infertility is not under-control and its not just going to go away. I get that!

So I am working on me. I have finally started to do something about my weight. I have joined Jenny Craig and it is working. I feel like i am gaining control back and trying to make me a better me.

I'm tired of not winning the baby race. But I will win the weight race! 

I am really happy to be writing again. I had started this blog many years ago when we were going through our IVF journey. Who knows perhaps next year we will be back on that road but for the mean time i'm going to take care of me.

I'm happy to be back

Luisa xxxx

The whole world is pregnant

Except me. That is all.

Decisions to Make

my heart hurts...

it has been such a long journey for us to try and conceive a much wanted child and we don't ever seem to be getting any closer to reaching our goal.

i had my surgery in April and we were really hoping that this would be our go sign

but unfortunately things don't seem to have worked out that way.

every time i hear of another person getting pregnant or see a stroller it hurts so much.

the other morning on our local radio station they had a special about female infertility and who did they have on the radio talking about it but Dr T - the one who f-ed me around. the minute i heard his voice i became a complete mess. i was brushing my teeth and hysterically crying. it brought back a whole lot of difficult emotions and i couldn't take it. that man killed my soul. he took apart of me that I'm not sure when ill get ever get back.

WJ and I have decided that we need to contact Dr C again and take this further. I was hoping not to go down the medicate route but it looks as if this is our own only choice.

Useless advice I want to give back.

I was strolling about Bubhub the other day and I came across this post.

I add some much needed laughter to my very low mood.

I'm not one to hog all of the fertiles wonderful words of useless advice without giving any back. Oh fertiles. 


Your random, unscientific words of wisdom. They mean so much to me. 


And so now I offer similar advice back to you.

Fertile Complaint: I never go out any more.
My Advice: I guess going out wasn't in God's plan for you.

Fertile Complaint: I feel fat. I can't lose this baby weight.
My Advice: Being skinny just wasn't meant to be for you at this time in your life.

Fertile Complaint: I am so tired after having this baby.
My Advice: Just relax.

Fertile Complaint: My breasts have deflated after having the baby.
My Advice: Well, maybe you just aren't using the right positions. Have you considered standing on your head. Or learning to walk on your hands. That should keep those girls upright.

Fertile Complaint: I'm an anxious mom.
My Advice: I heard that if you go away on vacation all your worries will simply lift away. You'll come back and be a free-spirited mom without a care in the world. I know this lady who couldn't stop worrying about her kids for 10 years. Then she took a vacation. And now she even lets her kids run around in traffic without a helmet.

Fertile Complaint: I'm concerned that I may be pregnant again too soon.
My Advice: Don't adopt. Because everybody knows that adoption is a sure way to get pregnant.

You're welcome fertiles. 

I'm there for you

Luisa xxx

The unknown

Life is so full of unknowens and I suppose that is what makes it so exciting.

No we are not pregnant..... Yet.

But I have this feeling deep inside me that it will happen. For so long I had in the back of my head that it would never happen. But as I deal with another cycle with cramps and pms I still have a sense of hope.

After all these years of TTC I can't bring myself to think that it won't happen. Yes I have bad days days where I am simple numb but today.. Optimism ... Optimism of the unknown.

At the end of the month WJ and I will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. I can't believe that 10 years have gone by. I still look at him each day and thank God for how blessed I am to have him in my life. I love the relationship we have.

We are best firends
We enjoy each others company
We are supportive of one another
We can sit in silence without feeling uncomfortable
He doesn't mind it when I put m pjs on when I get home from work &
I think he is the sexiest man alive!!

Well this infertile is signing off for the night.

It has been a really long time since I last wrote and now I feel like I can get back to documenting out TTC journey.

Here's to s new era

Much love

Lu xxxx

After all these years we finally get some answers - We were NEVER going to fall Pregnant at this stage!

Its been a while but i can finally bring myself to write on my blog. A friend said she had been following my blog but i had not put up any updates.. to be honest i just couldn't write, well actually i didn't want to write. But tonight after much thought i decided to continue to write about our journey.




I finally saw my new Dr... Dr VC ... AMAZING MAN !!! 
He was the first Dr to actually way, lets do a lap and see whats going on inside you.
He was the first Dr not to go right away and blame my weight.
He was the first Dr to want to look for some answers to WHY we cant get pregnant.


After our initial meeting he booked me in for one week later to have a lap, hsg and a pap.
he went though the procedure and let us know of all the risks and what they would be looking for...


Fast forward one week later.....


I get to the hospital and everything is fine and go in for surgery..
Dr VC said the op should only take about 30 minutes.. no worries..... easy....


Fast Forward 1.5 hours later 


The surgery took much longer than expected...


Dr VC finally came in to take to DH and I about what they had discovered in the surgery.


They found...
Mild Endo which was removed
Polyps - removed
Cysts - removed
Fibroids - removed (one had actually twisted and if it had been left any longer was about to start getting gangrene)
My right tube was badly damaged and inflamed nothing was getting through - they surgically opened it up
my left tube was inflamed and blocked but not as bad as the right and was surgically opened up.
and the cherry on top...
I have a diverted uterine septum which causes miscarriages and infertility and the space inside my uterus is 33% less than normal women.
he then did a D&C to clean me all out.
He also confirmed that I DO ovulate on my own because he took a photo of my ovary having JUST ovulated !! (YAY)


Dr VC actually confirmed that there was no way i was ever going to get pregnant considering the state my body was in.
At the end of our meeting he actually said that i may not need to do IVF straight away we can try non IVF method first and then move on to it if we need to.


So.. for the moment we are going to try on our own and see what happens.. WHO knows things just might work out..








Thank You Dr Vince Chappel At Fertility North - You will and WANT to help make our dreams come alive!





xxxxx
Luisa 

Summer Loving....

Well today is extremely warm for Perth!
I dont normally like the heat (im more of a rain, hail and snow kinda girl) but the one thing i love most about the summer is drinking amazing cocktails by the pool. I love sitting outside jumping in the pool, coming out and enjoying a drink and relaxing while the afternoon passes us by.

I love it when WJ goes into the kitchen to shake up another cocktail (the drink of choice at the moment is Hurricanes - it used to be gin and tonic and before that it was rum and cokes)

I love sitting around with my bathers on and a drink in my hand.

At the moment we are doing just that! sitting outside with a drink in our hands (and a laptop on my knee watching these grey clouds roll in with the hope of a summer storm.

These are the days I love being and i hate to say it - CHILD FREE - WOW im not supposed to go there! Well, I did.... WJ and I can sit in silence drink laugh and talk without interruption.

I sent off our forms for the new clinic today so im looking forward to this new appointment with a new doctor.. Im just worried about one thing - my autoimmune disorder is flaring up at the moment and i dont know how much this will affect our chances of getting up the duff. My autoimmune disorder is called Lichen Planius which is when the body attacks the skin instead of attacking any virus i might have and comes out in a rash type thing localised around the wrists and feet. It can also flare up in times of high stress (surprise surprise) I dont know how this affects me with my fertility. But i have read that any type of autoimmune disorder can affect implantation occurring....

well I going to get back to my darling husband as he has made me another cocktail.. He likes to get me drunk ahaha xxx

much love
Luisa
xxxx

When you're coming in at last place.

The last few days I have felt so so low. No matter what I do or who I am with nothing seems to cheer me up. I'm even finding it hard to smile. I'm just tired and grumpy from running this race that is not ending and I sure as hell am not winning.

I was reading another blog the other day about the loneliness of Infertility. That horrible void that it creates in your heart and mind. I hate what it has done to me. I was always such a happy person, positive and full of life. Now all I think about it what a loser I am and how did this happen to US! We are good people. We come from good families. We can care for a child very very well. but it is just not happening. I pray all the time. I pray for other infertiles, that their dreams may become a reality and I pray for us.

Im going to stop typing for now because I am doing my own head in. I dont even want to talk about INFERTILITY ANY MORE

   

What's Autoimmune got to do with it?

In 1996 I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder where my body attacked my skin rather than the virus I had at the time. I was hospitalised for 3 week to have intensive treatment. Since 1996 I've only had one flare up and and that was 10 years ago. But in the last few weeks vie noticed another flare up so WJ and I have been doing a lot of research into the affects of autoimmune disorders ad infertility. There definitely is a link. But my problem is I never told any of my Dr that I had this autoimmune disorder because quite simply I had forgotten about it because I hadn't been affected by it in 10 years.

So.... How much does autoimmune have to do with it?

In March I have an appointment with a new clinic because we really need to get a 3rd opinion and then 2 weeks late I have my follow up appointment with my second clinic.

Now....
Cinic 2 wanted me to loose weight and take metformin 3x day
Ive been taking the metformin but the weight is not coming off. I just dont know what to do.
The only thing that the Metformin is doing is giving me stomach cramps at night (Dh rubs my belly at night to make it feel better) and the other thing is that i am CONSTANTLY on the toilet! Our toilet paper usage has increased exponentially.

Clinic 3 - ill have to wait and see what they say. I just want to get a move on with our treatments and getting back on the baby train. I feel like i'm at a stand still at the moment and we are both getting very impatient.

Infertility is really a wild ride!!

Please fasten your seat belts as it's going to be a bumpy ride..

Well we are home after our AMAZING 5 week European Vacation!! We ate, drank, shopped, laughed, talked and ate some more!

I also found heaven while in Italy. In Rome right next to the Trevi Fountain. It was a little Ice cream shop selling the most delicious ice cream on Earth and in that little cabinet I found Coconut ice cream! OMG I wanted to bathe in it! It had real coconut in it. When i ate it i knew i had found heaven!

Now we are back in Perth and back to reality (and a pile of washing - and a green pool) I have decided to take action. I am no long going to wait around for that elusive BFP and stop putting things on hold just because I might get pregnant.
I've decided to take up piano lessons and I am going to start my courses to be able to get into a leadership position in schools. for the last 4 years i have been holding off doing any further study because I MIGHT get pregnant, but no more! I love my job and I do plan on going back to work after children so why not get started on a path to promotion.

And one final thing all these things will never fill the hole that i have in my heart that infertility has caused. I never used to have sad days now i do. But our life has come down this path I hope I have the inner strength to remain somewhat sane!

xxxx

So who are you?

I've been thinking.....


Tell me about you.

Ive been reading a variety of blogs today and even though each is about infertility or IVF each journey is so different. Each persons story is special and unique.

So...... What's your story??

Each year its the same request

That this year will be our year.
This will be the year our little family will become three.


Ive been saying that for a NUMBER of years now. This year I think I'll just take things as they come.


The year has started off as great. We are in Italy enjoying an amazing holiday with the family. We are eating, drinking, shopping and laughing. You couldn't ask for much more than that. It has really been a positive way to start the year.


Ive been taking Metformin now for 3 weeks and so far the side effects have been minimal. Only the occasional stomach upset but nothing i cant handle. I just hope it helps. In so many ways i feel productive towards our journey to starting IVM but in so many ways i feel hopeless. Im hearing more and more people get their BFPs and that is just brilliant but for once i would like to have the opportunity to pee on a stick and show up two lines. 
My AF this cycle was late and WJ and i were getting a little excited that perhaps this might be our turn but sure enough today here she is. Cramps and all! 


At the end of last year i met up with a wonderful group of women who have been through/ are going through IVF or are dealing with infertility. We have named ourselves the IVY group and it was just wonderful being able to talk to others who are going through the same thing as you. You dont feel so lonely and you realise that the things you are thinking are quiet normal.  The ladies are great and we can talk about anything. 


Well I must get to bed as i have a busy day shopping tomorrow. Ohh the struggle. BTW I bought the most amazing pair of green suede wedges in Milan they are so beautiful. I dont know how comfortable they will be for walking but boy do they look amazing! Seriously who doesnt want a pair of green suede wedges?


Much love from Italy 
CIAO BELLA
xxxxx